dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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