so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize