Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
