Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize