Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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