you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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