I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
