all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
