Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
