I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
