woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
