mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
