This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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