Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
