I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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