Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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