hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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