What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
