My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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