i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
