I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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