Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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