dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
