Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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