Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the day after is always just damage control
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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