someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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