Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
