Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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