so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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