We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
