You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
