you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
