He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
