The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
