I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
