I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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