I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
