Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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