Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
