1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
