just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
