Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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