i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
