if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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