take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
