dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
