Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize