Tell her she can't have a vagina
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize