I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
