I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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