I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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