we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
