I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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