The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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