I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
