When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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