I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
