no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize