shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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