better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
