Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
