seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize