Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
