i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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