So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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