I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
